Confessions of an Indian Muslim

As an Indian Muslim, i have a lot to confess, but i have never been good at expressing, there’s a reason behind that I don’t want to state. What happens when a person who is not able to vent his or her emotions? In my case, I was left with a pen, paper, my immature writing skills and disorganised thoughts . Surprisingly, a lot of overconfidence.

But I again failed to write what I personally felt. I wrote what I saw around me, in my community. Just like a child who doesn’t know how to speak, yet speaks anything. So, not filtering I wrote down every feeling of mine in hope of giving my mind a break from constant question answer that it was doing.

Just a few months ago, when there were a series of encounters in Kashmir, I just became too obsessed with the cause of Kashmiris. On every update I use to upload WhatsApp status, Facebook and Instagram posts. The days passed by and I just kept extending the circle of my Social media activism. That scene still flashes in my mind when a message from my father suddenly popped on my screen, “Call kro mujhe”. ( Call me )

What happened next I didn’t expect or maybe I did. He began his conversation by saying that he saw my Facebook feed and told me not speak anything about Kashmir. I, whose entire focus was on Kashmir those days, desperately asked “Kyun? (why ?)” Though I knew the answer. He, as expected told me that the environment was volatile, and anyone could report it to the police.

I wanted to retort, but i didn’t. Thanks to my inexpressive nature.

Photo from flickr

A long cognitive battle of questions and answers started (which still continues). That time I mollified myself by telling my heart and mind “He’s right on his part, who want his or her child to rot in jails.”
He’s not blind that he doesn’t see those arrested and the important years of their lives are squandering behind the bars.

Another question then stroked the wall of my skull (which I wanted to ask Baba but as usual failed),
“Am I doing anything wrong?” and again another stroke answered

What wrong did Umar Khalid and Sharjeel Imam do? Merely calling to respond to hate with love and a suggestion to hold a legitimate form of protest”.

Both my mind and heart are full of hundreds of questions and confessions I always wanted to vomit out, but I always failed.

Someone from another corner says,
Baba, if its Kahshmiris today, tomorrow it will be your daughter whom you asked to be quite today.”

indian muslim

Now Baba had a reason to stop me, but what about the other people around? “Whatsoever you are doing is useless, do you think anything is going to change? Do you think Modi and Yogi are going to read what you write?,” these mocking statements are part of my life.

I know they aren’t going to read this but, you my friend, If you are reading it, why don’t you come along and educate yourself as well as others of our community, make them aware of their enemies and friends, show them the right path,” my mind murmurs within.

Some times my heart and my mind both engage in a conversation mourning together on the condition of our people.

Why are we so disorganized and disunited?”,

Why are we sleeping?

Why don’t we realize that the sword of the enemy is hanging on our heads?”,

“How can we be without leader?” ,

Why are we not giving much importance to education?”,

“Why don’t we think out of the box, why don’t we do something for our faith

And somewhere in the conversation, one of them comforts other.
Inhi gham ki ghataon se khushi ka chand niklega
Andheri rat ke parde me din ki roshni bhi hai..”

Then I am reminded of our Prophet (saw), who was worried for the state of his Ummah, such a long time ago. The one who used to pray for us in midnight. What happened to his Ummah? What state is it in? I am sure he must be shedding tears on this pitiable condition of ours. The Prophet who
dedicated his whole life to our cause and Islam.

And again collecting all the shattered pieces of hope I have to continue walking the path, sometimes hopefully and sometimes with a heavy heart making my neck and legs heavy.
The destination seems very far, the path is full of hurdles, but it has to be followed anyhow for the people of my Prophet (saw). .

The unconditional love for this Ummah of you, Oh Prophet lies deep in my heart. I promise I will live for the cause of you, your Ummah as long as I have breath in my chest. And one day Indeed, the flag depicting,

La Ilaha Ilallah, Muhammadar Rasullullah

will flatter highest in the sky.”

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